Birthday humor, just like all humor, is priceless. It doesn't need to be limited to funny jokes. It is all around us - if we look for it.
Humor is designed to amuse the listener. It should produce spontaneous laughter.
humor should always be kind as age is not something that we can
control. I can remember a neighbor lady telling me that I would
understand something better when I was older. At the time, I was a very
mature 14 year old. Although I said nothing in response, my immediate
thought was: "If I'm too young to understand something, maybe you're too old to understand."
The following stories
and jokes about birthday humor are not new. They have all been around
for years. Many are known to have a slightly different version.
Little Jimmy was shouting out a prayer for his birthday. “Please God, all I want for my birthday is a new X-Box. Thank you.”
His mom walked in and said, “Jimmy, why all the shouting? God isn’t deaf.”
“I know,” said Jimmy. “But Grandpa is.”
An 80 year old man goes to the doctor with his wife. After the exam, the physician pulls the wife aside, and says, “I'm afraid your husband has an advanced stress disorder."
"Please do exactly as I tell you, otherwise he’ll die very soon. Always be sweet and pleasant. Each morning, fix his favorite breakfast. Prepare delicious, healthy lunches, suppers, and snacks. Encourage him to nap whenever he wants, and don't let him do any chores. Under no circumstances should you nag him about anything. Give him regular massages, and make love at least twice a week. Keep this up for a year, and he'll return to a state of near-perfect health for his age.”
Later in the car, the husband asked his wife what the doctor told her.
A young man's grandmother was turning 80 and had moved into a new condo. He wanted to drop by, see her new place, and wish her happy birthday.
He called her and she instructed him as follows: "Park in front of the building and come to the main door. You'll see a big panel on the right. With your elbow, push button 115. I'll hit the buzzer and I'll let you in. Walk inside and turn right for the elevator. Get in, and with your elbow press number 115. Walk out of the elevator and turn left. Come down the hall to 115 and ring my doorbell with your elbow."
"Grandmother," he says. "That's easy enough, but why the heck am I pushing all these buttons with my elbow?"
"What?" she replies. "You're coming empty handed?"
An 80 year old woman who was an avid golfer, decided to move to Florida and join a country club. The female assistant pro offered to play with her. The older woman said, "I've been playing great lately. I just have a heck of a time getting out of sand traps."
When they came to the par four 18th hole, the older lady hit a great drive, but her second shot landed in a steep-sided bunker next to the green. Playing from the sand, she lofted a high, soft shot. It came down a few feet from the cup and rolled in for a birdie.
The 80 year old was still standing in the trap when the pro walked over and said, "Beautiful shot! I thought you said you had a problem getting out of traps?"
An old lady was being interviewed by reporters on the occasion of her 110th birthday. "What do you think is the reason for your long life?" they asked her. "Oh," she replied, "I suppose it's because I was born such a long time ago."
Some employees bought their
boss a gift for his birthday. Before opening the gift, the boss shook it
slightly, and noticed that it was wet in the corner. Touching his finger to the
wet spot and tasting it, he asked, "A
bottle of wine?"
His employees replied, "No."
Again, he touched his finger to the box and tasted the liquid. "A bottle of scotch?"
His employees replied again, "No."
Finally the boss asked, "I give up. What is it?"
His workers responded, "A puppy."
It's a hot day--there's a
traveling salesman passing through a small town in Texas when he sees a little
old man sitting in a rocking chair on the porch of a house. So he stops
and says to the little old man, "You
look as if you don't have a care in the world! What's your formula for a
long and happy life?"
And the little old man says, "Well, I smoke six packs of cigarettes a day, I drink a quart of bourbon every four hours and six cases of beer a week. I never wash and I go out every night; I don't get to bed until four in the morning."
And the guy says, "Wow, that's just great. How old are you?"
And the little man says, "Twenty-two."
It's my wife's birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present. "Oh, I don't know ," she said . "Just give me something with diamonds." That's why I'm giving her a pack of playing cards.
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me." So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
What did George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common?
They were all born on holidays.
Q: "Were any famous men born on your birthday?"
A: "No, only little babies."
Q: How can you tell that you're getting old?
A: You go to an antique auction and three people bid on you!
At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he planned to be around for his 104th.
"I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104."
Better to be over the hill than buried under it.
By the time my mom turned 80 she was leaving little post-it notes to herself all over the house, and wondering who they were from.
When I was a child, my family was so poor that the only thing I got on my birthday was a year older.
Q: What’s the best thing about turning 65?
Q: Turning 80 and thinking about what tattoo to get?
A: You might want to consider your name and address...
"Age does not diminish the extreme disappointment of having a scoop of ice cream fall from the cone." JIM FIEBIG
"I believe in loyalty. When a woman reaches an age she likes, she should stick with it." EVA GABOR
It was on my fifth birthday that Papa put his hand on my shoulder and said, “Remember, my son, if you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm.” SAM LEVENSON
"What a childhood I had. Once on my birthday my old man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away." RODNEY DANGERFIELD
"The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once." HERBERT PROCHNOW
Inside every seventy-year-old is a thirty-five-year-old asking, "What happened?" ANN LANDERS
"At what age do you start forgetting how old you are? That's how old I am." GONNNZO
GREAT IDEAS FOR RETIREES