“Kids Say the Darnedest Things” and So Do Dads!

Dad jokes are as priceless as mom jokes.  Along with child jokes, they fall into the family humor group.

The really priceless humor does not require an explanation. It is obvious and produces spontaneous laughter. The best humor occurs in situations that all of us experience. For example, it may be a misunderstood comment or some otherwise unexplainable mishap.

Child humor is a treasure that has many lifetime benefits. Happy parents can tell jokes, be entertaining, and provide their offspring with a happy childhood that should lay the ground work for a lifetime of happiness.

Humor is a social event. It is fine to laugh at something when you are by yourself. In fact, I believe that is a healthy event. But, the really funny stuff requires another person to be present because the smiling and laughter are human interactive traits.

The following stories and jokes are not new. They have all been around for years. Many are known to have a slightly different version.

Some Classic Dad Jokes!

How can a stranger tell whether two people are married?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.

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Dad:  “Why are you home from school so early?”

Mac:  “Because I was the only one in the class who could answer a question.”

Dad:  “Wow! What was the question?”

Mac:  “Who set Miss Tina's dress on fire?”

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Father:  "I hear you skipped school to play football."

Son:  "No I didn't, and I have the fish to prove it !"

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A four-year-old boy and his father went to the beach. There was a dead seagull lying on the sand. The boy asked his father, "Dad, what happened to the birdie?"

His dad told him, "Son, the bird died and went to heaven."

Then the boy asked, "And God threw him back down?"

Alcohol, Great Parents, Mother-in-law and Next-door Neighbor!

Father was trying to teach his young son the evils of alcohol.

He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey. The worm in the water lived, while the one in the whiskey curled up and died.

"All right, son," asked the father, "what does that show you?"

"Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms."

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Two kids are talking to each other. One says, "I'm really worried. My dad works twelve hours a day to give me a nice home and good food. My mom spends the whole day cleaning and cooking for me. I'm worried sick!"

The other kid says, "What have you got to worry about? Sounds to me like you've got it made!"

The first kid says, "What if they try to escape?"

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A couple was going out for the evening. The last thing they did was to put the cat out.

The taxi arrived, and as the couple walked out of the house, the cat shoots back in. So the husband goes back inside to chase it out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explained to the taxi driver "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband got into the taxi and said, "Sorry I took so long, the stupid thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"

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One child kept creeping down the stairs, but the father kept sending him back to bed.

At 9pm the doorbell rang, it was the next-door neighbor, Mrs. Brown, asking whether her son was there. The father brusquely replied, "No."

Just then a little head appeared over the banister and shouted, "I'm here, Mom, but he won't let me go home!"

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Dad: You’ll never amount to anything because you procrastinate.
Son: Oh yeah? Just you wait!

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Manny: How do you like the drum set you got for your birthday?
Theo: I love it!
Manny: Why?
Theo: Whenever I don’t play it, my dad gives me 10 bucks!

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Dad: Son, if you keep pulling my hair, you will have to get off my shoulders.

Son: But, Dad, I’m just trying to get my gum back!

Report Cards, The Zoo, Teachers and More!

Science teacher: When is the boiling point reached.

Student: When my father sees my report card!

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A small boy was at the zoo with his father. They were looking at the tigers, and his father was telling him how ferocious they were.

“Daddy, if the tigers got out and ate you up…”

“Yes, son?” the father asked, ready to console him.

“ …Which bus would I take home?”

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Teacher (on phone):  You say Michael has a cold and can’t come to school today? To whom am I speaking?
Voice:  This is my father.

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Father: Let me see your report card.
Johnny: I don’t have it.
Father: Why not?
Johnny: My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents.

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A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man.

"To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations." The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."

"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations." "I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in an office. What am I going to do with you?"

"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."

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Martin had just received his brand new drivers license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time.

Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. "I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father.

"Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."

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A small boy is sent to bed by his father...

[Five minutes later] "Da-ad..." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?" "No. You had your chance. Lights out."

[Five minutes later] "Da-aaaad..." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??" "I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"

[Five minutes later] "Daaaa-aaaAAAAD..." "WHAT??!!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"

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Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.


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