These are Great! 

A party without humor is not a party. These funny retirement jokes part 2 have been used often. Typically there are several versions, but the message is the same.

Nuts

A man visited an elderly aunt in hospital. While they were chatting she offered him some peanuts. As soon as he had finished them she offered him some more.

As he was leaving she told him to take the rest of the peanuts with him. “Don’t you like peanuts?” he asked. “They get stuck in my dentures,” she replied, “so I just suck the chocolate off them."


I Don't Remember

An elderly gentleman was telling his friend about a new restaurant he and his wife recently visited.

"The food and service were great!" he said.

His friend asked, "What's the name of the place?"

"Gosh, I don't remember," he said, "What do you call the long stemmed flower people give on special occasions?"

"You mean a rose?" asked his friend.

"That's it!" he exclaimed and turning to his wife, asked, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to the other day?"


What's Your Name 

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it.

Please tell me what your name is. Her friend glared at her. For at least a minute she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?


Annual Check-up 

70-year-old George went for his annual check-up. He told the doctor that he felt fine, but often had to go to the bathroom during the night.

Then he said: "But you know Doc, I’m blessed. God knows my eyesight is going, so he puts on the light when I pee, and turns it off when I’m done!"

A little later in the day, Dr. Smith called George’s wife and said: "Your husband’s test results were fine, but he said something strange that has been bugging me.

He claims that God turns the light on and off for him when uses the bathroom at night."

Thelma exclaimed: "That old fool! He’s been peeing in the refrigerator again!"


50th Anniversary

A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary.

On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together. He replies, "No, I was thinking about the time before we got married.

Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you. Tomorrow I would've been a free man!"


Elderly Couple

An elderly couple go to church one Sunday.

Halfway through the service, the wife leans over and whispers in her husbands ear, "I've just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"

The husband replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."


The Biker

A newly retired biker is out for a blast on the first fine day in spring.

He's on his new Harley and is really enjoying the ride. He gets to a long straight and decides to see "what it'll do" and opens it up......

90, 100 is noted on the speedometer.

As he starts to slow down he notices a police car behind him with lights flashing and the siren blaring.

So he pulls over to the side of the road.

The police officer walked up to the bike, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and it’s my weekend off. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir."


Retirement Poems

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  Wit & Wisdom

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