I'm Convinced That One Of These Will Make You Laugh!

Church humor is priceless. Like child humor or senior citizen humor, it is all around us - if we look for it.

For the most part, humor is social. Although there were times when I laughed at something that I did - or tried to do when no one else was around. The really funny stuff requires another person to be present because the smiling and laughing are human interactive traits.

Church humor, in fact, all humor does not need to be explained. It is obvious. If it needs to be explained or dissected - it dies. It should produce spontaneous laughter.

The following stories and jokes are not new. They have all been around for years. Many are known to have a slightly different version.

Children and Church Humor!

A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. "How do you know what to say?" he asked.

"Why, God tells me."

"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"

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A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

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The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her preacher father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day she asked him why.

"Well, Honey," he began, "I'm asking the Lord to help me to preach a good sermon."

"Well then, how come He doesn't do it?" she asked.

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A mother was giving instructions to her three children as she sent them into Sunday school, "And, why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Her son quickly responded, "Because people are sleeping!"

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I was telling my three boys the story of the Nativity and how the Wise Men brought gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh for the infant Jesus.

Clearly giving it a lot of thought, my six-year-old observed, "Mom, a Wise Woman would have brought diapers."

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A Sunday School teacher said to her children, "We have been learning about how powerful the kings and queens were in Biblical times. But there is a higher power. Who can tell me what it is?" Tommy blurted out, "I know, Aces."

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It was Palm Sunday, but because he had a sore throat, 5 year-old Johnny stayed home with a sitter. When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm fronds. Johnny asked what they were for.

"People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by," his father told him.

"Wouldn't you know it, " Johnny fumed, "the one Sunday I don't go and he shows up."

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The Reverend Billy Graham tells of a time early in his ministry when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was. When the boy told him, Dr. Graham thanked him and said, "If you'll come to the Church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to Heaven."

"I don't think I'll be there," the boy said. "You don't even know your way to the post office."

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A man and his young son went to church, and when they came out the father was complaining that the service was too long, the preacher was no good, and the singing was off-key.

Finally the little boy said, "Daddy, I thought it was pretty good for a dollar."

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One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Johnny was staring up at the large plaque in the foyer of the church. So, the pastor stood beside the boy and quietly said: "Good morning son."

"Good morning pastor" replied the 7 year-old, while still focusing on the plaque.

"What is this?" Johnny asked.

"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor.

Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30 service?"

Letters Written To Pastors!

I liked your sermon where you said that good health is more important than money, but I still want a raise in my allowance.  Eleanor (12)

Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to California tomorrow.   Laura (10)

My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church every week even if she has a cold.   Annette (9)

I know God loves everybody, but He never met my sister.   Arnold (8)

Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson.   Pete (9)

Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class.   Carla (10)

I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished.   Ralph (11)

Church Marquees!

God answers kneemail!

A clear conscience makes a soft pillow.

Can't sleep? Try counting your blessings.

Prevent truth decay. Brush up on your Bible.

The wages of sin is death. Repent before payday.

Seven days without prayer makes one weak.

Beat the Christmas rush, come to church this Sunday.

Don't wait for the hearse to take you to church.

The best vitamin for a Christian is B1.

Under same management for over 2000 years.

Soul food served here.

Tithe if you love Jesus! Anyone can honk!

You can give without loving, but you cannot love without giving.

Church Humor Quotes!

"Most of us spend the first six days of the week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure."   FRED ALLEN

"If your left hand doesn't know what your right hand is doing, you should consider running for a job in Washington."  ANONYMOUS

"To err is human; to blame it on somebody else is even more human."   JOHN NADEAU

"Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up and permanently set."   REV. DENNY BRAKE

"I like the silent church before the service begins, better than any preaching." RALPH WALDO EMERSON

"Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car."   BILLY SUNDAY

"The first time I sang in the church choir, two hundred people changed their religion."   FRED ALLEN

"Most people have some sort of religion—at least they know which church they're staying away from."   JOHN ERSKINE

These Church Humor Stories Were Too Good To Omit!

A funeral is being held in a church for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carrying the casket accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the women is actually alive.

She lives 10 more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end the pallbearers are again carrying the casket out. As they are walking, the husband calls out, "Watch out for the wall!"

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Atheist: "Do you honestly believe that Jonah spent three days and three nights in the belly of a huge fish?"

Preacher: "I don't know, sir, but when I get to heaven, I'll ask him."

Atheist: "But suppose he isn't in heaven?"

Preacher: "Then you ask him."

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Father O'Malley answers the phone.

  • "Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"
  • "It is."
  • "This is the IRS. Can you help us?"
  • "Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"
  • "I do."
  • "Is he a member of your congregation?"
  • "He is."
  • "Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"
  • "He will."

At the pearly gates, a taxi driver and minister are waiting in line. St. Peter consults his list and says to the taxi driver,"Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

St. Peter next greets the minister saying, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and a golden staff while I get a cotton robe and wooden staff. How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says St. Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."


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