Retirement humor is great at a retirement party. It can part of the planning and games or incorporated in a roast. See retirement party ideas.
Getting older is inevitable, but getting old is not. Senior citizen humor is not knew, but I hope these jokes and quotes are new to you.
Retirement humor usually depicts some depletion of skills and aging of the mind and body. This is often offset by the freedom that retirement brings. The jokes, in one version or another, have been around for a long time.
Many of the jokes center on the transition from work to a life of leisure. Others deal with an elderly couples spending too much time together.
Because we can relate to it and because there is some truth to it, it is funny.
Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."
The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."
The third one responded, "Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem. Knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"
An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales.
"Bloomingdales!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
You don't stop laughing when you grow old, you grow old
when you stop laughing.
George Bernard Shaw
The really frightening thing about middle age is that you
know you'll grow out of it.
Ode to Cranky Men
I chanced to pass a window
While walking through a mall
With nothing much upon my mind,
Quite blank as I recall. I noticed in that window
A cranky-faced old man,
And why he looked so cranky
I didn't understand. Just why he looked at ME that way
Was more than I could see
Until I came to realize
That cranky man was ME!
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."
"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."
"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."
"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
Q: How do you know you’re old?
A: People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
Q: When is a retiree's bedtime?
A: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
An elderly gentleman was telling his friend about a new restaurant he and his wife recently visited. “The food and service were great!” he said.
His friend asked, “What’s the name of the place?” “Gee, I don’t remember,” he said.
“What do you call the long stemmed flower people give on special occasions?”
“You mean a rose?” asked his friend.“That’s it!” he exclaimed and turning to his wife, asked, “Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to the other day?”
Q: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
A: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.
An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages
cell phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.
One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.”
The husband texted back to her: "I'm on the toilet. Please advise."
Two old men in a retirement village were sitting in the reading room and one said to the other, ''How do you really feel? I mean, you're 75 years old, how do you honestly feel?'' ''Honestly, I feel like a new born baby. I've got no hair, no teeth, and I just peed on myself.''
Herm is 85 years old and retired. He gets a checkup with his physician. A week or so afterward the doc sees Herm strolling the boardwalk with his arm around a beautiful, comely young female.
The doctor stops him and asks, “Herm, you
must be feeling terrific, yes?”
Herman says, “Just following orders, Doc. You told me to get a hot mama and be cheerful."
The physician exclaims, “Herm, that's not what I told you! I said, ‘Your heart's got a murmur. Be careful.’”
win any beauty contests.”
“Can she cook?”
“Can't even boil an egg.”
“Is she rich?”
“Rich? Heck, she's so poor she can't even pay attention.”
“She must be great in the sack then?”
“I haven't actually found out.”
“My God, man, why are you marrying her?”
“She can still drive.”
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind,
it doesn't matter.
You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your
shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you was?
At age 20, we worry about what others think of us. At age
40, we don't care what they think of us. At age 60, we discover they haven't
been thinking of us at all.
People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.
Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
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