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Retirement jokes - funny: are an essential for a party. The several versions will add spice to the party. The message, however will not change.


Retired Folks

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and into a shop. I was only there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

I said to him, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a "Nazi." He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires.

So I called him a "doughnut-eating Gestapo." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said "Obama 2012."

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to my health.


Brand New Hearing Aid

An elderly gentleman who had had serious hearing problems for a number of years went to the doctor to be fitted for a hearing aid that would return his hearing to 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back for further tests a month later and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

To which the gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"



Ma and Pa

Ma and Pa where rocking on the front porch when Pa turned and slapped Ma. Ma said, "What was that for?" Pa said, "For 40 years of bad sex!" Ma said, "Oh," and continued rocking.

Then Ma reached over and slapped Pa. Pa said, "What was that for?" Ma said, "For knowing the difference!"


Are you ready for the 'Home'

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old people's home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"


Bad Driver

There's a pensioner driving on the motorway. His wife calls him on his mobile and in a worried voice says, "George, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there was a madman driving the wrong way on the M6."

George says, "I know, but there's not just one, there's hundreds."


The Amish Elevator

An Amish boy and his father were in a shopping Mall.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by the two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked: “What is this father?”

The father, (never having seen an elevator) replied, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don’t know what it is”.

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a very large old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.

The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father said quietly to his son.....

“Go get your mother”.


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