It's a Party!

A funny retirement party speech should have humorous quotes and stories.  I have included some jokes and a sample speech that should tickle anybody's funny bone.

There are two types of retirement speeches: one is given by the retiree, a farewell speech, and the other is given about the retiree.  I will provide examples of both.

The most important thing in these speeches is to be positive, cordial and respectful.  This is no time to settle some old "scores".  Everyone knows why they are present - it's a party.  So, lighten up and have a great time.

My purpose here is to provide some ideas and even the words that will make your speech meaningful and well accepted.  Use my suggestions as best you can to make your speech better.

Only you can write the speech.  There are speech writing services on the internet.  Don't be tempted to let someone else write your speech.   Your audience will know you didn't write it as every speech reflects the personality of the writer. 

Jokes Suitable For a Retirement Party!

Three elderly gentlemen were talking about what their grandchildren would be saying about them fifty years from now.

I would like my grandchildren to say, "He was a successful business man", declared the first man.

Fifty years from now, said the second, I want them to say, "He was a loyal family man."

Turning to the third gent, the first asked, "So what do you want them to say about you in fifty years?"

"Me?", the third man replied.  "I want them all to say, 'He certainly looks good for his age!'"

Archie, age 88, has a problem with his house.  It has two stories and stairs.  When he uses the stairs, he stops midway to catch his breath.  That creates a problem, when he is ready to start again; he doesn't remember if he was going upstairs or down.  

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old man sitting on a park bench sobbing.  I stopped and asked him what was wrong.

He told me, "I have a 22 year old wife at home.  She rubs my back every morning and then makes pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."

I asked, "Well, then why are you crying?"

He added, "She makes homemade soup for lunch and my favorite biscuits, cleans the house and watches sports TV with me for the rest of the afternoon."

I said, "Well why are you crying?"

He said, "For dinner she makes a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then we cuddle the rest of the night."

I inquired, "Well then, why in the world would you be crying?"

He replied, "I can't remember where I live."

An Irish Blessing:

A sunbeam to warm you,

A moonbeam to charm you,

A sheltering angel,

so nothing can harm you.

Another Irish Blessing

May you always have work for your hands to do.

May your pockets hold always a coin or two.

May the sun shine bright on your windowpane.

May the rainbow be certain to follow each rain.

May the hand of a friend always be near you.

And may God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you.

Visiting her doctor last month, Paula, a retired school teacher explained in some detail her problems while her doctor listened very patiently.

"Now, Paula", said the doctor, "You say you have shooting pains in your neck, aching knees, frequent dizzy spells, and constant nausea.  Just for the record, how old are you?"

"Ah, yes," Paula brightly spoke, "I'll be 49 on my next birthday."

"Really?" commented the doctor quietly, "I see you have slight memory loss, too."

Quotes Suitable for a Retirement Party!

(This is believed to be a true story) When WC Fields was in his dotage, he was seen reading the Bible by a close friend who demanded to know what he was looking for.  "Loopholes, dear boy, loopholes." murmured Fields

"Musicians don't retire; they stop when there's no more music in them."   LOUIS  ARMSTRONG

"If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough."   PHYLLIS  DILLER

"There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it.  For example, I'm sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt."   UNKNOWN

The Best Senior Texting Codes

ATD  -  At the Doctor's

BFF   -  Best Friend's Funeral

DWI  -  Driving While Incontinent

LOL   -  Living on Lipitor

Here Is A Sample Speech By the Retiree!  (Some Options)

Here are some topics or sentences to use in your speech.

  • Thank everyone for attending and thank those who put the party together.
  • "I remember getting the job..."  (tell a story)    
  • I was full of ideas and knew I could make a difference.
  • Much has changed since then.  There were leisure suits and ratted hair then.  Now hair is thinner or gone.  And you might remember those bell-bottom pants.
  • "It took a while to understand things as I was a reluctant learner."
  • There were times when I wanted to give up or quit, but ...
  • There are likely to be many humorous stories through the years of employment.  (Now is the time to tell them.)
  • I have mixed emotions at this time.  I will miss (name) greeting me each morning and (name) at her desk with a pleasant "Good Morning".  I will miss all of you. 
  • It is okay to be slightly emotional.  But, remember, it is a party.
  • I will miss the chats about (sports teams, the long winters, etc.).
  • Thank you (name) for making this a wonderful place to work.  We've done some good things.
  • "But, it is time to move on."
  • In about one minute, sum up your plans for the future.  Remember, you do not want to make others feel jealous about your new found freedom.
  • End with something like this.  "I hope that all of you will have a similarly good experience at this (name company) as I did."

Sample Speech About the Retiree!

Welcome the guests.  Unless everyone knows you, explain who you are and your relationship to the retiree. 

Find something to compliment those who are responsible for the party.  It could be the food or decorations.

Humor can be difficult unless you are a natural comedian.  It is usually better and easier to tell humorous stories about the retiree.  It is extremely important not to embarrass anyone.  There could be humorous stories about planning the party.

"We shared our joys and our struggles.  There were marriages and divorces; deaths and births."

Thank the retiree for his or her service.  Be sincere - the audience will know if you are not.

There may be facts or statistics to reveal.  For example, you can refer to the changes that have taken place during the retiree's tenure. 

There may be some significant contributions that the guest of honor has made.  Mention them.

Finally, explain that we are all very unique as is our retiree.  Wish him well in the future and tell him that he will receive an invitation to parties and outings for years to come.

You can propose that everyone "toast" the retiree.

Steps to Insure a Successful Speech!

The best speeches leave a "good feeling" in the audience when they are over.

You may be wondering what to say or not say and how long to speak.  Should I mention my successes or poke fun at other employees?  (It is okay to mention just one success.  Do not poke fun at other employees.)  Will I be boring?

Keep it short.  If you are charismatic, stretch it to 10 minutes.

Tailor it to your audience.  Some may be in their 20's or 30's and are not able to relate to someone approaching 70. 

Be positive, upbeat and grateful.

Recall some early memories or stories.  It is important to not be boastful.  Always use humility.

End with what will be missed and what it means to enter a new phase in life.

Practice.  Professional speakers always practice.  It makes the speech better.

Words That Can Be Used in a Speech!

  • milestone
  • significance
  • time to say goodbye
  • gratitude
  • tireless support
  • be well
  • learned a great deal
  • tireless colleagues
  • some memories
  • committed people
  • vibrant and happy staff
  • satisfying retirement
  • productive retirement
  • unique
  • looking forward to retirement
  • people helped along the way
  • Our life is an ongoing journey, you were my travel companions .

Return to the top of Funny Retirement Party Speech.