“Kids Say the Darnedest Things” and So Do Moms!

Mom jokes are as priceless as dad jokes.  Along with child jokes, they fall into the family humor group.

The really priceless humor does not require an explanation. It is obvious and produces spontaneous laughter. The best humor occurs in situations that all of us experience. For example, it may be a misunderstood comment or some otherwise unexplainable mishap.

Child humor is a treasure that has many lifetime benefits. Happy parents can tell jokes, be entertaining, and provide their offspring with a happy childhood that should lay the ground work for a lifetime of happiness.

Humor is a social event. It is fine to laugh at something when you are by yourself. In fact, I believe that is a healthy event. But, the really funny stuff requires another person to be present because the smiling and laughter are human interactive traits.

The following stories and jokes are not new. They have all been around for years. Many are known to have a slightly different version.

Some Classic Mom Jokes!

"Mom, can I please change my name right now?" asked Ben.

"But why would you want to do that, dear ?" said his mom.

"Because Dad said he's going to spank me as sure as my name's Benjamin !"


An irate woman burst into the baker's shop and said, "I sent my son in for two pounds of cookies this morning, but when I weighed them there was only one pound. I suggest that you check your scales."

The baker looked at her calmly for a moment or two and then replied, "Ma'am, I suggest you weigh your son."


George knocked on the door of his friend's house. When his friend's mother answered he asked, "can Albert come out to play?"

"No," said the mother, "it's too cold."

"Well, then," said George, "can his football come out to play?"


A six-year-old boy called his mother from his friend Charlie's house and confessed he had broken a lamp when he threw a football in their living room.

"But, Mom," he said, brightening, "you don't have to worry about buying another one. Charlie's mother said it was irreplaceable."


One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"


Little five year old Johnny was in the bath tub, and his mom was washing his hair. She said to him, "Wow, your hair is growing so fast! You need a haircut again."

Little Johnny replied, "Maybe you should stop watering it so much."

“Things Mom Taught Me”!

LOGIC... "If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."

MEDICINE... "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."

ESP... "Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?"

HUMOR... "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

BECOME  AN ADULT... "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.

GENETICS... "You are just like your father!"

WISDOM of AGE... "When you get to be my age, you will understand."

ANTICIPATION... "Just wait until your father gets home."

RECEIVING... "You are going to get it when we get home."

JUSTICE... "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU -- then you'll see what it's like!"

“Kids Say the Darnedest Things”!

One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment.

Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event. The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?

Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"


The following is a true story. There was this little kid who had a bad habit of sucking his thumb. His mother finally told him that if he didn't stop sucking his thumb, he'd get fat.

Two weeks later, his mother had her friends over for a game of bridge. The boy points to an obviously pregnant woman and says, "Ah, ha! I know what you've been doing!"


A country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child.

The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby."Hit him again," the 5-year-old said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!"


The lifeguard told the mother to make her young son stop urinating in the pool. "Everyone knows," the mother lectured him, "that from time to time, young children will urinate in a pool."

"Oh really?" said the lifeguard, "from the diving board?"

“Things Mom Would Never Say”!

"How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"

"Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too"

"Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house look more cheery"

"Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day"

"Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me."

"The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."

"I don't have a tissue with me ... just use your sleeve"

"Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve" 

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