Pithy - Funny - Witty!

Here are more one-liners for your retirement party. I know you will find some of them funny or humorous. Some are very clever.

A one-liner should be pithy and delivered in a single line.

One-liners are sometimes called monologue jokes. Henny Youngman and Rodney Dangerfield were masters at delivering them.

An example of a clever one-liner occurred when Oscar Wilde arrived at US Customs. He said, "I have nothing to declare except my genius."

More One-liners as Questions!

  • Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
  • Why don't people on TV ever go to the bathroom?
  • Why do people say the alarm went "off" when it actually sounded like it was "on"?
  • Why do they call it research, when looking for something new?
  • Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
  • Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
  • Is the glass half empty, half full, or twice as large as it needs to be?
  • Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
  • What do you do when you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

  • Did Noah include termites on the ark? 
  • Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected? 
  • Does the name "Pavlov" ring a bell? 
  • Do fish get thirsty? 
  • How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?  
  • If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? 
  • If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
  • Why can't life's problems hit us when we're 17 and know everything?   
  • Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
  • If a man who cannot count finds a four-leaf clover, is he lucky?  
  • If a person told you they were a pathological liar, should you believe them?  
  • If nothing sticks to Teflon how do they stick Teflon to the pan?  
  • If the cops arrest a mime do they tell him that he has the right to remain silent?
  • If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what was yesterday?
  • Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?  
  • Where do they get the seeds to plant seedless watermelons?

  • "He'd have to get smarter...just to be stupid."   COUNTRY EXPRESSION
  • "Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half-shut afterwards."   BENJAMIN FRANKLIN
  • "In this world nothing is certain but death and taxes."   BENJAMIN FRANKLIN
  • "What year did Jesus think it was?"   GEORGE CARLIN
  • "Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music."   GEORGE CARLIN
  • "I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery."   JOAN RIVERS
  • "Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company."   MARK  TWAIN
  • "Few things are more irritating than when someone who is wrong is also very effective in making his point."   MARK  TWAIN
  • "Golf is a good walk spoiled."   MARK  TWAIN
  • "The report of my death was an exaggeration."   MARK  TWAIN
  • "Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much."   OSCAR  WILDE
  • "Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home."   PHYLLIS  DILLER
  • "His golf bag does not contain a full set of irons."   ROBIN  WILLIAMS
  • "I was so poor...in my neighborhood, the rainbow was in black and white!"   RODNEY  DANGERFIELD
  • "When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them."   RODNEY  DANGERFIELD
  • "When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother."   RODNEY  DANGERFIELD
  • "Whenever I think about the past, it just brings back so many memories."   STEVEN WRIGHT
  • "Do people in Australia, call the rest of the world, 'Up Over'?"   STEVEN WRIGHT
  • "For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out."   STEVEN WRIGHT
  • "I don't make jokes... I just watch the government and report the facts."   WILL  ROGERS
  • "The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."   WILL  ROGERS
  • (Lady Astor to Winston Churchill) "If I were married to you, I'd put poison in your coffee." (Churchill's reply) "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."   WINSTON  CHURCHILL

  • Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
  • Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
  • A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
  • A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  • I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
  • God must love stupid people. He made SO many.

  • Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
  • Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
  • I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
  • By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
  • Do you realize that in about 40 years, we’ll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
  • America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won’t cross the street to vote.
  • WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
  • Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
  • Accept it. Your parents HAVE had sex before.

   Great Gift

Retirement Gift

Interesting Gift

   Unique Gift

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