Pithy - Funny - Witty!
are more one-liners for your retirement party. I know you will find some of
them funny or humorous. Some are very clever.
A one-liner should be pithy and delivered in a single line.
One-liners are sometimes called monologue jokes. Henny
Youngman and Rodney Dangerfield were masters at delivering them.
An example of a clever one-liner occurred when Oscar Wilde
arrived at US Customs. He said, "I have nothing to declare except my
More One-liners as Questions!
- Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
- Why don't people on TV ever go to the bathroom?
- Why do people say the alarm went "off" when it actually sounded like it was "on"?
- Why do they call it research, when looking for something new?
- Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste
- Is the glass half empty, half full, or twice as large as it
needs to be?
- Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some
people appear bright until you hear them speak?
- What do you
do when you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered
- Did Noah include termites on the ark?
- Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the
- Does the name "Pavlov" ring a bell?
- Do fish get thirsty?
- How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the
- If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
- If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
Why can't life's problems hit us when we're 17 and know
- Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
If a man who cannot count finds a four-leaf clover, is he lucky?
- If a person told you they were a pathological liar, should you
- If nothing sticks to Teflon how do they stick Teflon to the pan?
- If the cops arrest a mime do they tell him that he has the right
to remain silent?
- If today is the
first day of the rest of your life, what was yesterday?
- Why are there
interstate highways in Hawaii?
do they get the seeds to plant seedless watermelons?
- "He'd have to get smarter...just to be stupid." COUNTRY EXPRESSION
- "Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half-shut afterwards." BENJAMIN FRANKLIN
- "In this world nothing is certain but death and taxes." BENJAMIN FRANKLIN
- "What year did Jesus think it was?" GEORGE CARLIN
- "Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music." GEORGE CARLIN
- "I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery." JOAN RIVERS
- "Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company." MARK TWAIN
- "Few things are more irritating than when someone who is wrong is also very effective in making his point." MARK TWAIN
- "Golf is a good walk spoiled." MARK TWAIN
- "The report of my death was an exaggeration." MARK TWAIN
- "Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much." OSCAR WILDE
- "Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home." PHYLLIS DILLER
- "His golf bag does not contain a full set of irons." ROBIN WILLIAMS
- "I was so poor...in my neighborhood, the rainbow was in black and white!" RODNEY DANGERFIELD
- "When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them." RODNEY DANGERFIELD
- "When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother." RODNEY DANGERFIELD
- "Whenever I think about the past, it just brings back so many memories." STEVEN WRIGHT
- "Do people in Australia, call the rest of the world, 'Up Over'?" STEVEN WRIGHT
- "For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out." STEVEN WRIGHT
- "I don't make jokes... I just watch the government and report the facts." WILL ROGERS
- "The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets." WILL ROGERS
- (Lady Astor to Winston Churchill) "If I were married to you, I'd put poison in your coffee." (Churchill's reply) "If you were my wife, I'd drink it." WINSTON CHURCHILL
- Light travels
faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them
- Better to
remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
- A bank is
a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
- A clear
conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- I didn’t say it
was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
- God must love
stupid people. He made SO many.
- Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
- Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
- I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
- By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
- Do you realize that in about 40 years, we’ll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
- America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won’t cross the street to vote.
- WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
- Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
- Accept it. Your parents HAVE had sex before.
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