Best of Rodney Dangerfield and Henny Youngman!

One-liners are great at a "Roast" retirement party. Know your audience. Keep the jokes and humor respectful and dignified and funny. If you have a concern that the line might offend anyone, don't use it.

The following one-liners are from the Rodney Dangerfield and Henny Youngman. These two were the masters of the one-liner. It is unlikely that you will find the perfect line to use. I recommend customizing the joke to fit your needs. Be careful, be curteous and have fun.

Dangerfield One-Liners

  • When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
  • I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.
  • My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.
  • My wife has to be the worst cook. Her specialty is indigestion.
  • One day as I came home early from work... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."
  • One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.
  • The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.
  • My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
  • You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, "The car behind me is paying for two."

  • I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
  • I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the local restaurant I sat down and had broken leg of lamb.
  • My wife had her driver's test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.
  • I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.
  • I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
  • With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

  • My wife's not too smart. I told her, our kids were spoiled. She said, "All kids smell that way."
  • My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.
  • When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could. But he pulled through."
  • I bought a new Japanese car. I turned on the radio... I don't understand a word they're saying.
  • A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
  • I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.

  • My old man, I told him I'm tired of running around in circles. So he nailed my other foot
  • I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the West.
  • My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark
  • I was such an ugly kid… when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
  • I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.
  • My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.
  • I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
  • I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

  • I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
  • I had a good time last week. I did a show; the whole audience was midgets. I got a standing ovation - I didn't even know it!
  • I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.
  • I have three kids, one of each.
  • I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
    Oh, last week was a rough week. I noticed my gums were shrinking. I was brushing my teeth with Preparation H.
  • I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.
  • I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

  • I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.
  • In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.
  • I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps… from moving cars.
  • I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
  • Boy, is my wife stupid! It takes her an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes.
  • I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous… everyone hasn't met me yet.
  • I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
  • My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
  • My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.
  • This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
  • I'm so ugly - my father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

Youngman One-Liners

  • Two guys in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose. "Since when do you wear pantyhose?" "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment!"
  • A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"
  • A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.
  • Can you really afford to give anybody a piece of your mind?
  • "Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp!"

  • He's a real pain in the neck; of course, some people have a lower opinion of him.
  • Hollywood called me, asking me, "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?" "$50,000" They called back, "How about $20,000?" I said, "I'll pay it!"
    • I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby.
    • I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn't want to interrupt her.
    • I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
    • I miss my wife's cooking -- as often as I can.
    • I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
    • I took my wife to a wife-swapping party. I had to throw in some cash.
    • I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?
    • My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.
    • My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.
    • My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
    • My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.

    • Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
    • There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.
    • While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
    • My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
    • My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
    • She’s been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
    • I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

    Henny Youngman's Favorite Insults

    • I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive?
    • If you have your life to live over again, don't do it.
    • He was born on April 2. A day late.
    • I'd like to say we're glad you're here -- I'd like to say it...
    • He gives his wife something to look forward to -- a divorce.
    • Why don't you go to a window and lean out too far?
    • I'm paid to make an idiot out of myself. Why do you do it for free?
    • Someday you'll go too far, and I hope you'll stay there.
    • Look at him, sex takes a holiday!
    • She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

    Rodney Dangerfield and Henny Youngman were the masters of the one-liners. The one-liners that they used in their long careers are perfect for a roast retirement party speech. Comics are known to steal jokes and modify them for their own needs. You can do the same.

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