Humor Should Be Part Of Every Event!

Retirement party humor can be tricky as you find the right level of wit. You will find the best retirement jokes, quotes, poems and one-liners - pick out one that fits your retiree.

Good natured humor should be part of any celebration - especially a retirement party. It requires finding just the right quote or joke. For that reason, I will list many quotes and stories so that you can select the most appropriate.

To set the mood for the party, select a humorous invitation. There are many web sites from which to choose. Click here for one that I recommend as having really funny invitations. Also, view Sample Retirement Party Invitations for more ideas.

There are many ideas that can make your retirement party humor outrageously funny. For example, many or even all of the guests can wear a T-Shirt that has the same printed message such as: "RETIRED - Now I'm The Boss". Check the internet for more catchy phrases.

"You Are Probably Retired If ..."!

  • You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
  • It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
  • Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
  • Getting "lucky" means you remember where you left your car in the lot.
  • Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt; doesn't work.
  • You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.
  • You have more hair in your ears and nose than on your head.

Retirement Party Humor - Quotes!

If you are giving a speech, try to work some of these quotes into it.

"The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off."   ABE LEMONS

"Before deciding to take early retirement..., stay home a week and watch daytime television."   UNKNOWN

"There are some who start their retirement long before they stop working."   ROBERT HALF

"It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man."   SCOTT ELLEDGE

"The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does."   UNKNOWN

"Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save."   WILL ROGERS

"There is one thing I always wanted to do before I quit...retire!"   GROUCHO MARX

"The money's no better in retirement but the hours are."   UNKNOWN

"Retirement is wonderful. It's doing nothing without worrying about getting caught at it."   GENE PERRET

"A retired husband is often a wife's full-time job."   ELLA HARRIS

"What do gardeners do when they retire?"   BOB MONKHOUSE

Definition - Poems - One-liners!

Definition of Retirement: You get up in the morning with nothing to do, and go to bed at night having only done half of it.


Retirement is a time

For feeling glad to be alive,

A time when friendships blossom

And enthusiasms thrive.

A chance to do the special things

You always wished you could.

Retirement is a special time

For is good.

Congratulations on your Retirement.

Work these One-liners into any retirement speech: 

  • Active socially: Drinks heavily.
  • Character above reproach: Still one step ahead of the law.
  • Excels in effective application of skills: Makes a good cup of coffee.
  • Internationally known: Likes to go to conferences and trade shows in Las Vegas.
  • Is well informed: Knows all office gossip and where all the skeletons are kept.
  • Tactful in dealing with superiors: Knows when to keep mouth shut.
  • Willing to take calculated risks: Doesn't mind spending someone else's money.

Retirement Party Humor - Jokes!

Today we would like to thank Albert for his service to our company.

Albert is someone who does not know the meaning of impossible task, who does not know the meaning of lunch break, who does not understand the meaning of the word no. 

So we have clubbed together and bought Albert a dictionary.

If my body was a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ... But that's not the worst of it.......

  • My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.......
  • My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather...... 
  • My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.....
  • It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.
  • My fuel rate burns inefficiently......

But here's the worst of it:

  • Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter: either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires.

Retirement Poems


  Wit & Wisdom

Retirement Clock

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