Parties Need Humor!

Retirement party jokes are part of the humor at the party. I will include some funny quotes that can be used in a speech or retirement card. A little humor will go a long way to making the party a success.

Keep in mind that any humor, particularly at a retirement party, must be appropriate and in good taste. Humor in a speech can get the crowd relaxed and establish a rapport. Retirement jokes are easy to find on the internet. I have selected what I consider the best.

Also, check Funny Retirement Jokes, Funny Retirement Jokes - Part 2, One-liners and More One-liners for more humor.

Select the jokes that would be most appropriate for your retiree, remembering that retirement can be an emotional time. For some, retirement can mean less money to spend and loss of camaraderie with co-workers.

Retirement life can be very different than working. Most humor about retirement manifests those differences by creating laughable situations. Perhaps you can create a chuckle or two. 

Here Are Some Retirement Party Jokes!

On their 50th anniversary, a couple goes out to dinner to celebrate. On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together.

He replies"No, I was thinking about the time before we got married. Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you. Tomorrow I would've been a free man."

An old man visits his doctor and after a thorough examination, the doctor tells him: "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?" Patient: "Well, let me have the bad news first."

Doctor: "You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left."

Patient: "Oh no! That's just awful! What kind of good news could you tell me after this?"

Doctor: "You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you."

An elderly gentleman who had had a serious hearing problems for a number of years went to the doctor to be fitted for a hearing aid that would return his hearing to 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back for further tests a month later and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really be pleased that you can hear again." 

To which the gentleman replied"Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times." 

An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi that she had two final requests.

First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales. "Bloomingdales!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week." 

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look", she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day", he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise." "That's amazing", the woman said. "How old are you?" "Twenty-six", he said. 

An elderly couple goes to church one Sunday. Halfway through the service, the wife leans over and whispers in her husband's ear, "I've just let out a silent fart."

"What do you think I should do?" The husband replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

Two old men in a retirement village were sitting in the reading room and one said to the other, ''How do you really feel? I mean, you're 75 years old, how do you honestly feel?''

''Honestly, I feel like a new born baby. I've got no hair, no teeth, and I just peed on myself.''

Three old ladies were discussing the trials and tribulations of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away or start making a sandwich." 

The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down." 

The third one responded, "Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem, knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table and then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it." 

Humorous Quotes!

"I think retirement beats the heck out of 'life after death'."   MARTINA NAVRATILOVA

"Retirement: That's when you return from work one day and say, 'Hi, Honey, I'm home - forever."   GENE  PERRET

"If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt."   DEAN  MARTIN

"The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing."   PHYLLIS  DILLER

"Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness."   WILLIAM  WORDSWORTH

"First you forget names; then you forget faces; then you forget to zip up your fly; and then you forget to unzip your fly."   BRANCH  RICKEY

"I enjoy waking up and not having to go to work. So I do it three or four times a day."   GENE  PERRET

"Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life."   HERBERT  ASQUITH

"When men reach their sixties and retire, they go to pieces. Women go right on cooking."   GAIL  SHEEHY

"Golf is played by twenty million mature American men who's wives think they are out having fun."   JIM  BISHOP

"The most wasted of all days is one without laughter."   E.E.  CUMMINGS 

"I just don't think of age and time in respect of years. I have too much experience of people in their seventies who are vigorous and useful and people who are thirty-five who are in poor physical shape and can't think straight. I don't think age has that much to do with it."   HARRISON  FORD

"Try as much as possible to be wholly alive, with all your might, and when you laugh, laugh like hell and when you get angry, get good and angry. Try to be alive. You will be dead soon enough."   WILLIAM  SAROYAN

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