Senior Citizens Laugh At Themselves - Sometimes!

Senior citizen humor is great. Be sure to keep it in good taste during retirement party speeches and jokes.

The following stories and jokes are not new. They have all been around for years. Many are known to have slightly different versions.

It is acceptable and even recommended that you customize the humor to fit the guest of honor at their retirement party.

Life Without Humor Is Dull!

I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

California vintners, in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produces Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic. It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night. The new wine will be marketed as ... PINO MORE.


A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?" "Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'".


I've sure gotten old!

I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.

I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet  engine, take 40 different medications that make me  dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.

Have bouts with dementia.

Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.

Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.

Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,

I still  have my driver's license. 


An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests.

First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.

"Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?"

"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week".


My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.


Know how to prevent sagging?

Just eat till the wrinkles fill out. 

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Meet a hot mamma and be cheerful.'" The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"

"Will I Live To Be 80?"

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?" "Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs either." Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy."

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" "No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" "No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you want to live to 80?"

Humor By WC Fields and Groucho Marx!

An older gentleman was sitting on a park bench sobbing. A police officer came up and asked him what was wrong. "I'm 75 years old," sobbed the man. "I have a 35 year-old wife at home. She is beautiful, a great cook, mother of my two young children, charming and madly in love with me." "So what's the problem?" "I can't remember where I live!"

(Believed to be a true story) When WC Fields, the actor, was in his declining years when he was observed reading the Bible by a close friend who demanded to know what he was looking for. "Loopholes, dear boy, loopholes," murmured Fields.

"Anyone can get old, all you have to do is live long enough." GROUCHO MARX

As the waitress served the elderly couple, she noticed something very unusual. The man began to eat his meal while his wife stared patiently out the window. "Is there something wrong with your food?" the waitress asked the lady.

"No, the food looks great," she replied. "Aren't you afraid your food will get cold if you wait much longer to eat?" the waitress queried further. "Oh," the lady replied," that's all right." "Well aren't you hungry?" the waitress finally asked.

"I sure am," the lady replied. "I'm just waiting until my husband gets through with the teeth."

Only In Washington, D.C.

A driver was stuck in a huge traffic jam this morning outside Washington D.C. Nothing was moving. Then he saw some men approaching each vehicle.

When one arrived at his car, he rolled down the window, and asked "What's up?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and they are asking for a $100 million ransom. Otherwise, they say they will dowse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are go car-to-car asking for donations."

You can count me in, "the driver replied. How much is everyone giving, on average?"

The volunteer replied, "Roughly a gallon."

As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang. 

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Vernon, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Hwy 25. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Vernon, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!" 

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid.

It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect."

"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty.."

Three old guys are out walking. 

First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"

Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!" 

Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer.."

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: 

  • 'So I hear you're getting married?' 
  • 'Yep!' 
  • 'Do I know her?' 
  • 'Nope!' 
  • 'This woman, is she good looking?' 
  • 'Not really.' 
  • 'Is she a good cook?' 
  • 'Naw, she can't cook too well.' 
  • 'Does she have lots of money?' 
  • 'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.' 
  • 'Well, then, is she good in bed?' 
  • 'I don't know.' 
  • 'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?' 
  • 'Because she can still drive!' 

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:

"Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby." 

"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

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